This past week we moved my MIL (mother in law) from her single apartment in a private residential Senior Living facility to an insurance qualified care facility. This process of moving has been a continuum of moving from a primary home of fifty plus years to a two bedroom Assisted Living apartment with my FIL to a room in Memory Care and then a single once he passed away. With each move the size of the room and storage space has gotten smaller and smaller and the cost of living higher and higher.
As a realtor, mom and homeowner with three grown kids I see how much stuff we buy and hold on to. As I look at my MIL and her new place I am hit with the reality that time goes by quickly and if one doesn't take responsibility of getting rid of clutter it burdens others. Having gone through this with my own parents in Florida 3 years ago I recognize this burden and don't want to put it on my kids. Although not the primary care person for my in-laws I helped a bit but my SIL shared most of this burden.
I have a basement filled with boxes of stuff that we no longer need or most likely will never use. When I go to a clients home the first thing most need to do is declutter as a step towards getting ready to move. Although many of us are tempted to pack and move things to our next locale it is always best to get rid of as much as possible. In Margareta Magnusson's book The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning. she shares her techniques of carefully and thoughtfully divesting of her things so as not to impose on her offspring.
Millenials get it and every fall there is a local event in Allston called Allston Christmas. Most college students return to the area around September 1 and this is a popular lease term start. Those moving leave their unwanted furnishings out for others to take and repurpose.
For those a bit more settled and in suburbia there are many places where one can discard unwanted items such as Community Councils and Transfer Stations in town. There are also services available to help get rid of the junk. We used GotJunk this past week to dispose of the last remnants of my MIL's home that had made it to each of her prior locations as her new place now includes furniture.
There are many great books out on how to start decluttering and getting rid of things. A recent book I just read by Gretchen Rubin Outer Order, Inner Calm was a great kick start for me to launch a deep purge in my kitchen. I am hoping to continue this process as the colder weather approaches. If you need any further ideas on how to tackle this process feel free to reach out to me. I have a network of professionals who also help facilitate these projects.
Wendy is a Realtor with Coldwell Banker Needham and also works on Cape Cod during the warmer parts of the year. She loves walking her dog, traveling, reading, exercising and keeping up with friends and clients. She also loves coffee and will happily meet anyone interested at a local Starbucks near Needham and Mashpee.
Discussing retirement and longterm elder care planning with ones parents can be an uncomfortable conversation. Often the topic arises at a time of necessity. When confronted with this situation, it may be difficult to objectively seek out the best options as time can become of the essence. When my father-in-law became ill a few years ago we confronted this issue first hand. He was having a difficult time walking up and down a short flight of steps and his primary care doctor became very concerned about his stability. She feared he could potentially break his hip and stated she would not give him a medical release after a short inhospital stay to return home. She said he needed to more to an assisted living facility or would eventually end up in a nursing home. We panicked and in a one week turnaround had to find a place where he would be able to move with his wife that would be acceptable as their next home. My mother in law was beginning to show early signs of alzheimers and also needed a better living situation. She appeared very upset and resistant and did not want to leave their home of 50 years.
Understandably it would be a challenge to move them both to a new place and make it their home. In order to get them to agree to move it became important to emphasize the safety aspects of finding a new place. Click here for some suggestions on how to Convince an elder. We had to take my mother in law to see many places while my father in law was in rehabilation care. We emphasized that she couldn't live with him any longer unless they both moved to a safe place. We met with the marketing agents and had her dine at the places we visited. They showed us their best activities and tried to embrace her interest. A key selling point was the food at each venue.
We were fortunate to find an assisted living facility that had an apartment available in the same area where they lived. The building was brand new and they became one of the first residents. Their new home was physically located behind the street where they raised their family and my mother in law could still do her usual daily routines including playing mah jong and going to the nearby hair salon and CVS. My father in law would be able to get the medical attention he needed and both would have all the amenities including home cooked meals, personal hygeniene and health care services.
Once we found the place, my sister in law and I managed the transition process from beginning to end. We had to plan which items they could bring to the new place, arrange movers, organize the items needed in the new home and for a few months we kept their primary home up and running. We set their new place up to look like a smaller version of their primary home with many of their favorite furniture pieces including their bed and china cabinet as well as some artwork. My in-laws adapted quickly and became very happy in their new home.
At first they wanted to see their old place but after a few weeks seemed to feel this was their home. A big help was that we visited constantly and ate with them in the dining room. They got a lot of attention when they moved and seemed to enjoy being in the spotlight. A key selling factor for them became the meals. They felt like they were in a restaurent for each meal and particularly loved the desserts. We treated this as their new normal and arranged to have frequent visitors until they started to phase in the activities available. My father in law continued to have medical issues and found the care he received was essential while my mother in law became immersed in the social activities.
After a few monthes we determined they were settled and would permanently stay at the facility. We then were ready to prepare their home for sale. Sadly we had to go through all their belongings and determine each items ultimate fate. Their new home had limited space and if up to my mother in law she would want to keep every item she owned. We had her work with us for a few days but then realized we were not getting anything done. We soon started to go over and clean when she was busy and unaware we were doing the job without her. As her dementia increased she soon forgot much of the task and soon things that were out of sight were out of mind. We spent a few months cleaning and purging. We spent countless hours going through over 50 years worth of accumulated stuff. We donated much to Goodwill and called the trash man to come pick up filled barrels every Thursday during this time.
At this point we did not know about most of the services available to help with this process and did the bulk ourselves. We didn't think about doing an estate sale but now retrospectively definitely could have easily had a weekend garage sale to purge the bulk. The benefits of an estate sale company is that they come in, organize and sell. Then they typically will broom clean the place. Instead towards the end we ended up hiring www.gotjunk.com to help us clean prior to listing to rid of the remaining clutter and empty the attic. We ended up paying them to take away a lot that could have instead been sold. Since this experience I have visited many sales where people buy just about everything from clothes to used tupperware and we could have sold it all. I have now built a database of estate sellers to recommend to my future clients. If only I had known 4 years ago.
Once the house was emptied we had to also fix some minor things up prior to getting ready to sell. We repainted, repaired some minor items and staged the place to look clean. I took the role of Realtor at this point and worked to get the house marketed and sold. The process became emotional for the family once an offer was made and my challenge became to keep this as the best deal for my in-laws. The main objective was to have enough proceeds available to pay for their new place. It was a sad process and our best offer ended up being from a builder who has since torn down and rebuilt the house. I tell my family the house was the chapter of their life at this property and they were now entering a new chapter at the Assisted Living facility. My in-laws transitioned smoothly and for them there was no looking back. They ended up being very happy with the transition and we knew they were in a safe environment.
I have since become interested in helping others going through this process and earned my SRES. I have many good resources for baby boomers who may have parents going through this phase of life.
Wendy recently joined Coldwell Banker Needham. She has been a realtor for over 8 years and knowing the area quite well can share a hands on local perspective. Feel free to contact her directly or click here http://www.wendybcb.com if you would like to learn more.
