The empty, empty nest

 I started blogging a bit when my youngest daughter was about to graduated high school in spring 2013.  My first blog was called "ihatch" and most of my posts were therapy to me fear of becoming an empty nester. We raised three kids each spaced about three an a half years apart with diverse interests.  They were involved with many extracurricular activities of which we often participated.

The night my daughter hit accept on her college decision at midnight on April 30, 2013 I subscribed to the Huntington Theater as I thought we would have nothing to do on our Saturday nights going forward.   We had close to eighteen years of weekends filled with middle and high school theater, ice hockey games, soccer practice, play rehearsals, cheerleading competitions, bar mitzvahs during the early teen years and much more to keep our schedules occupied.  I was then fearful that my husband and I would look at each other and have nothing to do.  On the upside, we have found more than enough things to do with our free time and have had great opportunities to travel and reconnect with old friends. There are some very positives aspects of having an empty nest but this soon can become counterbalanced. 

Since Michelle started college we quickly learned that we were the sandwich generation.  Although she would be "local" at Tufts this would be the first time our family of five had only two occupants in our four bedroom house.  In the first month of attendance at college,  my father passed away and we began to have elder care issues with my in-laws.  A few months later it became necessary for them to move to an assisted living facility. A year later, my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and moved in with us for about 6 months.  After her passing about 9 months after diagnosis ( my daughter had finished her sophmore year in college) my father in law began dialysis and his health dimished as my daughter ended her junior year abroad.  

We have had four years of illness, downsizing and moving of parents, organizing elder care issues and all associated with the generation of parental care.  I have had hands-on experience with downsizing and helping my own elders transition towards more managed care living arrangements and have since earned the SRES designation in real estate.  I am now able to and willing to share what I have learned.

At this point, my youngest daughter just graduated college and will be moving to NYC.  My other two grown up children also live out of state, one on Brooklyn and one in San Francisco.  Since the summer our youngest started college we have also purchased a smaller townhouse property on the Cape that we could consider downsizing too in the future.  Our kids prefer to visit us on the Cape as their vacation and my husband works long hours when we are off Cape. 

As I have mentioned in other posts, like most baby boomers the cost to upkeep a large house should be re-evaluated.   I spend most of my time in the kitchen, bedroom and occasionally the family room to watch TV.  Each time I have to pay to landscape, mulch or do an internal repair I question our priorities at this stage and feel the money spent to maintain this type of house could be better used elsewhere.  My husband and I are at the stage of starting to reconsider large home ownership and I will blog about this process as it develops.  One of my goals over the next year or so will be to de-clutter and get rid of many of the contents in our primary home that we don't need at this point in life.  We have much too much. 

I admit, I am sad to have an empty, empty nest.  I look at young families and have so many fond memories.  I will probably cry when dropping our daughter off next week and am saddened by the fact that all three of our kids have chosen to live out of state.  My friends all say it is great that we will have nice places to visit and yes while that is true,  it does take money and coordination and will get harder and harder for our entire family to be together on a regular basis. I will be scouring for inexpensive airline tickets  every Tuesday and have set up price alerts to the west coast.  Thankfully New York City is only a four hour drive. 

All said and done,  I will have plenty of time to focus on my real estate business this fall and will welcome any referrals to keep my schedule busy.

Wendy is a realtor with Coldwell Banker Needham.  She enjoys writing about local events and issues near and dear to her heart.  Please visit her website www.wendybcb.com or visit her Facebook page @wendybcb.  

Transitioning to Senior Living Options

Discussing retirement and longterm elder care planning with ones parents can be an uncomfortable conversation.  Often the topic arises at a time of necessity.  When confronted with this situation, it may be difficult to objectively seek out the best options as time can become of the essence.  When my father-in-law became ill a few years ago we confronted this issue first hand.  He was having a difficult time walking up and down a short flight of steps and his primary care doctor became very concerned about his stability.  She feared he could potentially break his hip and stated she would not give him a medical release after a short inhospital stay to return home.  She said he needed to more to an assisted living facility or would eventually end up in a nursing home.  We panicked and in a one week turnaround had to find a place where he would be able to move with his wife that would be acceptable as their next home.  My mother in law was beginning to show early signs of alzheimers and also needed a better living situation.  She appeared very upset and resistant and did not want to leave their home of 50 years.  

Understandably it would be a challenge to move them both to a new place and make it their home.  In order to get them to agree to move it became important to emphasize the safety aspects of finding a new place.  Click here for some suggestions on how to Convince an elder.  We had to take my mother in law to see many places while my father in law was in rehabilation care.  We emphasized that she couldn't live with him any longer unless they both moved to a safe place.  We met with the marketing agents and had her dine at the places we visited.  They showed us their best activities and tried to embrace her interest.  A key selling point was the food at each venue.   

We were fortunate to find an assisted living facility that had an apartment available in the same area where they lived.  The building was brand new and they became one of the first residents.   Their new home was physically located behind the street where they raised their family and my mother in law could still do her usual daily routines including playing mah jong and going to the nearby hair salon and CVS.  My father in law would be able to get the medical attention he needed and both would have all the amenities including home cooked meals, personal hygeniene and health care services.  


Once we found the place,  my sister in law and I managed the transition process from beginning to end.  We had to plan which items they could bring to the new place, arrange movers, organize the items needed in the new home and for a few months we kept their primary home up and running.  We set their new place up to look like a smaller version of their primary home with many of their favorite furniture pieces including their bed and china cabinet as well as some artwork.  My in-laws adapted quickly and became very happy in their new home.  

At first they wanted to see their old place but after a few weeks seemed to feel this was their home.  A big help was that we visited constantly and ate with them in the dining room.  They got a lot of attention when they moved and seemed to enjoy being in the spotlight.  A key selling factor for them became the meals.  They felt like they were in a restaurent for each meal and particularly loved the desserts.  We treated this as their new normal and arranged to have frequent visitors until they started to phase in the activities available.   My father in law continued to have medical issues and found the care he received was essential while my mother in law became immersed in the social activities.  

After a few monthes we determined they were settled and would permanently stay at the facility.   We then were ready to prepare their home for sale.  Sadly we had to go through all their belongings and determine each items ultimate fate.  Their new home had limited space and if up to my mother in law she would want to keep every item she owned.  We had her work with us for a few days but then realized we were not getting anything done.  We soon started to go over and clean when she was busy and unaware we were doing the job without her.  As her dementia increased she soon forgot much of the task and soon things that were out of sight were out of mind.  We spent a few months cleaning and purging.    We spent countless hours going through over 50 years worth of accumulated stuff.  We donated much to Goodwill and called the trash man to come pick up filled barrels every Thursday during this time. 

At this point we did not know about most of the services available to help with this process and did the bulk ourselves.  We didn't think about doing an estate sale but now retrospectively definitely could have easily had a weekend garage sale to purge the bulk.  The benefits of an estate sale company is that they come in, organize and sell.  Then they typically will broom clean the place.  Instead towards the end we ended up hiring www.gotjunk.com to help us clean prior to listing to rid of the remaining clutter and empty the attic.  We ended up paying them to take away a lot that could have instead been sold.  Since this experience I have visited many sales where people buy just about everything from clothes to used tupperware and we could have sold it all.  I have now built a database of estate sellers to recommend to my future clients.  If only I had known 4 years ago.    

Once the house was emptied we had to also fix some minor things up prior to getting ready to sell.  We repainted, repaired some minor items and staged the place to look clean.  I took the role of Realtor at this point and worked to get the house marketed and sold.  The process became emotional for the family once an offer was made and my challenge became to keep this as the best deal for my in-laws. The main objective was to have enough proceeds available to pay for their new place.  It was a sad process and our best offer ended up being from a builder who has since torn down and rebuilt the house. I tell my family the house was the chapter of their life at this property and they were now entering a new chapter at the Assisted Living facility.  My in-laws transitioned smoothly and for them there was no looking back.   They ended up being very happy with the transition and we knew they were in a safe environment.  

I have since become interested in helping others going through this process and earned my SRES.  I have many good resources for baby boomers who may have parents going through this phase of life.  

Wendy recently joined Coldwell Banker Needham.  She has been a realtor for over 8 years and knowing the area quite well can share a hands on local perspective.   Feel free to contact her directly or click here http://www.wendybcb.com if you would like to learn more.  

What is an SRES and how can one help you?

I recently added the 4 letters SRES to my business card and email signature along with MBA.  I would like to explain what this Real Estate designation means and how it may be a valuable resource for my current and potentially new clients.   I have been a Realtor for close to seven years and have had interactions with several different types of buyers and sellers.  Through my recent experience of helping my in-laws and parents  transition from their primary residence to care facilities,  I learned a lot and feel this is an area where I can help others with similar needs.  

As a baby boomer and part of the sandwich generation,  we often transition from caring for our kids to caring for our parents .  When my youngest daughter left for college four years ago, naively my husband and thought we would at last become empty nesters.  That status lasted about one week when my Dad's ongoing ailments brought him to the point of needing palliative and then hospice care for about six weeks until he passed away.  Simultaneously my father in law began having problems with balance amongst other issues and we were told by his primary care doctor that he could no longer live independantly.  Unexpectedly, our family was thrown into the new roles of primary and subordinate elder care providers.

My first confrontation with the transition involved helping my in-laws downsize their home of 55 years.  Due to the above mentioned medical needs,  we had to move my father in law and reluctant mother in law to an assisted living facility.  This was a challenge as my mother in law at the time did not want to leave her home.  We had to explain that she would not be able to live with her husband otherwise.  Getting her to buy into the process was a challenge in itself.  Once we found a place, we had to facilitate the move-in and then the move out of their house which was packed to the brim with a lifetime of stuff.  

My sister-in-law and I managed the process from beginning to end and had to navigate the array of issues from deep cleaning and disposing of medicines, personal items, as well as hazmat items (my father in law was a chemist),  fixing up and doing a few minor updates,  and then listing and ultimately selling the property.   Of note, I was the listing agent but also was very intimately involved in the details as the seller ( my inlaws were unable to participate due physical and health issues.).  I now have a great database of the resources we used in the Metrowest area. 

About a year after my Dad passed away , my Mom became terminally ill and ended up staying in my house in the Boston area for treatment.  Her biggest fear was that she would become a burden to me and my family and that someone would have to take care of her.  She had a very strong resilience and wanted to be in full control.  It was hard for her to accept the help of others as she had been my Dads primary care giver for several years.  She ultimately wanted to return to her home in Florida where she would be surrounded by her friends and things and primarily her independence.  After 4 months of chemotherapy she was happy to return home where she wanted to spend her final days.  She was in her condo until the last days when she had to go under hospice care.  She ultimately made that decision as she knew she needed the comfort they would provide.    Mom was in control until the end and guided us with how she wanted everything handled. 

My brother and I inherited the estate and property in entirety. We had to clean out and prepare their condo in Florida for the market although we both lived up North.   Our parents had a vast collection of many specialty items and it was complex to go through this process.  Because we lived out of states complicated the process as neither of us could get away for long time periods.  Due to my profession as a realtor and more flexibility with time to travel to Florida most of the project fell on my shoulders.  It was initially very important for me to go through each and every item in their condo before I would let anyone help me clean it.  This took much too long.  I had to research and develop a help network in the Tampa area until I eventually relieved the intrinsic cost to my time and money outweighed the benefit.  See my blog for more details  (How to make downsizing easy for your kids, April 25, 2017).  The one major lesson I learned with this experience was that hiring professionals is a must especially if you live out of state.  Things that would take me weeks, could be curtailed and done by an independent professional who knew the best resources a in days.  

It can be overwhelming for someone to feel they are losing control of their situation and may have to depend on their children or caregivers for help.   Often emotions can block clarity to learning what the safest and best options may be at the time.  The parent may feel they are losing a perceived freedom of choice.  The family knows they are looking out for the parents best interest.  

To earn my SRES I had to go through a two day training program where we learned the various issues that often confront this population.  Although much of the curriculum was familiar to me, it was useful to gain insight into the specific needs of this niche.   We learned about available in-home care and housing options.  The class helped tailor my real estate knowledge to help those confronting a potentially stressful life change.    I truly enjoy face-to-face client and family meetings and have been trained to help in sometimes difficult conversations.

Some key points on the SRES website defining an SRES are: 

An SRES®understands that this can be a stressful time for a family. It's hard to deal with leaving a home after spending many years in it. Perhaps the parent would actually prefer to go on living there. Your agent wants to understand the challenges you all face in this major decision. By doing so, they can present all available options, so that the outcome is one that will suit the family's needs.

At times, the amount of information coming your way may seem overwhelming. An SRES® is there to help by tailoring meetings to a senior's needs. Don't be afraid to ask as many questions as you'd like until you feel comfortable with the steps to the sales process and other potentially-complicated details. An SRES® may suggest taking breaks so you can absorb the information, and may want to break up the prelisting-process over several visits to your home.

Change is always overwhelming but since completing the course I have been focusing a lot of my time into learning more about the available living options for seniors in my area.  In addition,  I have met with vendors who can provide services to help with downsizing, estate sale management, packing and cleaning services.  There are many resources available to make this transition less scarey and a meaningful experience if you have the right tools in place.  

As mentioned, my family went through the process without much guidance and had to navigate this unfamiliar territory on our own.  The skills I learned through this gave me more more hands-on experience than the classroom but I felt the added SRES would add the recognizable marketing credentials to my profile.  As an SRES, I personally enjoy  helping others who may be going through similar experiences where I can share my knowledge.  I look forward to being able to work with clients who may be approaching this challenge and hope I can make a positive difference in their lives. 

Wendy recently joined Coldwell Banker Needham.  She has been a realtor for over 8 years and knowing the area quite well can share a hands on local perspective.  She has also recently earned the SRES  designation and looks forward to helping other baby boomers as they approach their next transitions.  Feel free to contact her directly or click here http://www.wendybcb.com if you would like to learn more.