The empty, empty nest

 I started blogging a bit when my youngest daughter was about to graduated high school in spring 2013.  My first blog was called "ihatch" and most of my posts were therapy to me fear of becoming an empty nester. We raised three kids each spaced about three an a half years apart with diverse interests.  They were involved with many extracurricular activities of which we often participated.

The night my daughter hit accept on her college decision at midnight on April 30, 2013 I subscribed to the Huntington Theater as I thought we would have nothing to do on our Saturday nights going forward.   We had close to eighteen years of weekends filled with middle and high school theater, ice hockey games, soccer practice, play rehearsals, cheerleading competitions, bar mitzvahs during the early teen years and much more to keep our schedules occupied.  I was then fearful that my husband and I would look at each other and have nothing to do.  On the upside, we have found more than enough things to do with our free time and have had great opportunities to travel and reconnect with old friends. There are some very positives aspects of having an empty nest but this soon can become counterbalanced. 

Since Michelle started college we quickly learned that we were the sandwich generation.  Although she would be "local" at Tufts this would be the first time our family of five had only two occupants in our four bedroom house.  In the first month of attendance at college,  my father passed away and we began to have elder care issues with my in-laws.  A few months later it became necessary for them to move to an assisted living facility. A year later, my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and moved in with us for about 6 months.  After her passing about 9 months after diagnosis ( my daughter had finished her sophmore year in college) my father in law began dialysis and his health dimished as my daughter ended her junior year abroad.  

We have had four years of illness, downsizing and moving of parents, organizing elder care issues and all associated with the generation of parental care.  I have had hands-on experience with downsizing and helping my own elders transition towards more managed care living arrangements and have since earned the SRES designation in real estate.  I am now able to and willing to share what I have learned.

At this point, my youngest daughter just graduated college and will be moving to NYC.  My other two grown up children also live out of state, one on Brooklyn and one in San Francisco.  Since the summer our youngest started college we have also purchased a smaller townhouse property on the Cape that we could consider downsizing too in the future.  Our kids prefer to visit us on the Cape as their vacation and my husband works long hours when we are off Cape. 

As I have mentioned in other posts, like most baby boomers the cost to upkeep a large house should be re-evaluated.   I spend most of my time in the kitchen, bedroom and occasionally the family room to watch TV.  Each time I have to pay to landscape, mulch or do an internal repair I question our priorities at this stage and feel the money spent to maintain this type of house could be better used elsewhere.  My husband and I are at the stage of starting to reconsider large home ownership and I will blog about this process as it develops.  One of my goals over the next year or so will be to de-clutter and get rid of many of the contents in our primary home that we don't need at this point in life.  We have much too much. 

I admit, I am sad to have an empty, empty nest.  I look at young families and have so many fond memories.  I will probably cry when dropping our daughter off next week and am saddened by the fact that all three of our kids have chosen to live out of state.  My friends all say it is great that we will have nice places to visit and yes while that is true,  it does take money and coordination and will get harder and harder for our entire family to be together on a regular basis. I will be scouring for inexpensive airline tickets  every Tuesday and have set up price alerts to the west coast.  Thankfully New York City is only a four hour drive. 

All said and done,  I will have plenty of time to focus on my real estate business this fall and will welcome any referrals to keep my schedule busy.

Wendy is a realtor with Coldwell Banker Needham.  She enjoys writing about local events and issues near and dear to her heart.  Please visit her website www.wendybcb.com or visit her Facebook page @wendybcb.  

What is an SRES and how can one help you?

I recently added the 4 letters SRES to my business card and email signature along with MBA.  I would like to explain what this Real Estate designation means and how it may be a valuable resource for my current and potentially new clients.   I have been a Realtor for close to seven years and have had interactions with several different types of buyers and sellers.  Through my recent experience of helping my in-laws and parents  transition from their primary residence to care facilities,  I learned a lot and feel this is an area where I can help others with similar needs.  

As a baby boomer and part of the sandwich generation,  we often transition from caring for our kids to caring for our parents .  When my youngest daughter left for college four years ago, naively my husband and thought we would at last become empty nesters.  That status lasted about one week when my Dad's ongoing ailments brought him to the point of needing palliative and then hospice care for about six weeks until he passed away.  Simultaneously my father in law began having problems with balance amongst other issues and we were told by his primary care doctor that he could no longer live independantly.  Unexpectedly, our family was thrown into the new roles of primary and subordinate elder care providers.

My first confrontation with the transition involved helping my in-laws downsize their home of 55 years.  Due to the above mentioned medical needs,  we had to move my father in law and reluctant mother in law to an assisted living facility.  This was a challenge as my mother in law at the time did not want to leave her home.  We had to explain that she would not be able to live with her husband otherwise.  Getting her to buy into the process was a challenge in itself.  Once we found a place, we had to facilitate the move-in and then the move out of their house which was packed to the brim with a lifetime of stuff.  

My sister-in-law and I managed the process from beginning to end and had to navigate the array of issues from deep cleaning and disposing of medicines, personal items, as well as hazmat items (my father in law was a chemist),  fixing up and doing a few minor updates,  and then listing and ultimately selling the property.   Of note, I was the listing agent but also was very intimately involved in the details as the seller ( my inlaws were unable to participate due physical and health issues.).  I now have a great database of the resources we used in the Metrowest area. 

About a year after my Dad passed away , my Mom became terminally ill and ended up staying in my house in the Boston area for treatment.  Her biggest fear was that she would become a burden to me and my family and that someone would have to take care of her.  She had a very strong resilience and wanted to be in full control.  It was hard for her to accept the help of others as she had been my Dads primary care giver for several years.  She ultimately wanted to return to her home in Florida where she would be surrounded by her friends and things and primarily her independence.  After 4 months of chemotherapy she was happy to return home where she wanted to spend her final days.  She was in her condo until the last days when she had to go under hospice care.  She ultimately made that decision as she knew she needed the comfort they would provide.    Mom was in control until the end and guided us with how she wanted everything handled. 

My brother and I inherited the estate and property in entirety. We had to clean out and prepare their condo in Florida for the market although we both lived up North.   Our parents had a vast collection of many specialty items and it was complex to go through this process.  Because we lived out of states complicated the process as neither of us could get away for long time periods.  Due to my profession as a realtor and more flexibility with time to travel to Florida most of the project fell on my shoulders.  It was initially very important for me to go through each and every item in their condo before I would let anyone help me clean it.  This took much too long.  I had to research and develop a help network in the Tampa area until I eventually relieved the intrinsic cost to my time and money outweighed the benefit.  See my blog for more details  (How to make downsizing easy for your kids, April 25, 2017).  The one major lesson I learned with this experience was that hiring professionals is a must especially if you live out of state.  Things that would take me weeks, could be curtailed and done by an independent professional who knew the best resources a in days.  

It can be overwhelming for someone to feel they are losing control of their situation and may have to depend on their children or caregivers for help.   Often emotions can block clarity to learning what the safest and best options may be at the time.  The parent may feel they are losing a perceived freedom of choice.  The family knows they are looking out for the parents best interest.  

To earn my SRES I had to go through a two day training program where we learned the various issues that often confront this population.  Although much of the curriculum was familiar to me, it was useful to gain insight into the specific needs of this niche.   We learned about available in-home care and housing options.  The class helped tailor my real estate knowledge to help those confronting a potentially stressful life change.    I truly enjoy face-to-face client and family meetings and have been trained to help in sometimes difficult conversations.

Some key points on the SRES website defining an SRES are: 

An SRES®understands that this can be a stressful time for a family. It's hard to deal with leaving a home after spending many years in it. Perhaps the parent would actually prefer to go on living there. Your agent wants to understand the challenges you all face in this major decision. By doing so, they can present all available options, so that the outcome is one that will suit the family's needs.

At times, the amount of information coming your way may seem overwhelming. An SRES® is there to help by tailoring meetings to a senior's needs. Don't be afraid to ask as many questions as you'd like until you feel comfortable with the steps to the sales process and other potentially-complicated details. An SRES® may suggest taking breaks so you can absorb the information, and may want to break up the prelisting-process over several visits to your home.

Change is always overwhelming but since completing the course I have been focusing a lot of my time into learning more about the available living options for seniors in my area.  In addition,  I have met with vendors who can provide services to help with downsizing, estate sale management, packing and cleaning services.  There are many resources available to make this transition less scarey and a meaningful experience if you have the right tools in place.  

As mentioned, my family went through the process without much guidance and had to navigate this unfamiliar territory on our own.  The skills I learned through this gave me more more hands-on experience than the classroom but I felt the added SRES would add the recognizable marketing credentials to my profile.  As an SRES, I personally enjoy  helping others who may be going through similar experiences where I can share my knowledge.  I look forward to being able to work with clients who may be approaching this challenge and hope I can make a positive difference in their lives. 

Wendy recently joined Coldwell Banker Needham.  She has been a realtor for over 8 years and knowing the area quite well can share a hands on local perspective.  She has also recently earned the SRES  designation and looks forward to helping other baby boomers as they approach their next transitions.  Feel free to contact her directly or click here http://www.wendybcb.com if you would like to learn more.