In my prior blog of February 9 about best preparing for End of Life choices, I wrote about fulfilling the last days of one's life. I am now supplementing this with Part 2. Once we are gone how do we wish to be remembered? Where do we want our final resting place to be? It has always been tradition to have a funeral and a burial along one's religion's customs but as trends change so does this.
My ancestors, and similarly as did many cultures, had burials in the local cemetery where they lived or on the property they owned. Many immigrant communities who came to the US acquired cemeteries with sections for their families. Nowadays we are a much more mobile society. My parents and grandparents are buried together in the Baker Street cemetery in West Roxbury, Massachusetts. This was where many other relatives who belonged to the same synagogues or local community would be interred.
As I have traveled to other countries I have found it fascinating to visit old Jewish cemeteries Often once thriving communities left behind memorials with remnants of their society only to be later abandoned as demographics change. I now see this happening where I grew up. Many of the cemeteries where my parents generation buried their predecessors are now abandoned or less frequented by new departures as the communities migrate away.
When I pass chances are I may retire in another state or that my descendants (Three out of three of my offspring live out of state now) will settle far away. Would it make sense for me to be buried near my parents or somewhere where my kids may only reside for a temporary portion of their lives?
Saturday's WSJ discussed the idea of free form funerals. Perhaps the less traditional options may make more sense. One option may be to be buried at sea. Our society is much more mobile and in-flux these days. Deep roots that expanded multi-generations are becoming a pase`. This trend is illustrated in a recent novel I just finished by John Grisham, The Reckoning, where a family land right becomes disputed and (spoiler alert) eventually disseminated.
A living will may be the best framework to formalize where and how you want to end your legacy. Of course it is always recommended to consult a legal professional before signing any legal document. As a realtor I can provide some guidance with real property decisions but leave the ultimate resting place choice to my clients and their families.
Wendy is a realtor with Coldwell Banker Needham. She has her SRES and often shares insight into the changing dynamics of the marketplace and needs of the more senior and baby boomer population. She enjoys helping clients buy and sell property with as minimal emotional transitioning as possible. For more information check her website at www.wendybcb.com.
A few years ago when my Mom passed away the Hesed Committee (a support group within my Synagogue) gave me a book called "Happier Endings" by Erica Brown. The premise in the book was the various ways individuals and cultures tackle and prepare for the end of life. The author's interest grew from her own experiences with family members who had gone through difficult times including surviving the holocaust and a cousin who took her life unexpectedly. This author wanted to get an understanding of what drove some people to react how they did as the inevitable approached.
It was mentioned that those with a sudden death are short changed and not given the opportunity to do the things they had hoped for and paradoxically those with long ailments may have the time but not the stamina. As I read the book I personally explored the experience I had with my parents and another close family member. While my Dad had longer drawn out health issues he was a trooper with a strong will to live and do what he could up until the last moments. Likewise my Mom who was stricken with Stage IV Pancreatic Cancer was in full control of her ending and settling her personal estate up until her very end. She wanted to be and was basically in full control of all her decisions up until the last days.
From this experience I have started to think about and build my own framework for these difficult choices with my husband. It is important to be sure you have a long term health plan in place. Additionally financial and estate planning are musts. A living will may be a good tool to start. If you have a lot of stuff it, I recommend learning how to declutter and donate. A few good books on this topic include The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning by Margareta Magnusson and The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up. by Maria Kondo.
A new book by Katy Butler is coming out on February 19 that addresses how to prepare for a good end of life. There is an overview of “The Art of Dying Well: A Practical Guide to a Good End of Life,” in today's Wall Street Journal. What I take away from reading this article and the books above are that we all will face difficult decisions down the road. The best choices are made when there is time for research and evaluating best options. When decisions must be made because a crisis hits things can be rushed, emotional and often there less good options available. I always heard that "an informed decision is a good decision". We want to make our personal journeys meaningful and the least disruptive to those we love.
As an SRES realtor I am trained and enjoy reading about opportunities to better serve my more senior clients. As a volunteer producer of theater events we often can rehearse, plan and script a how but a good outcome requires planning and preparation. I am always available for a quick conversation or the opportunity to work with clients and their families who may be contemplating a transition. Feel free to check out my website at www.wendybcb.com or to send me an email or contact preferences.
