Coming Home and Farewell to My Friend

It is the holiday season and many Americans travel home for the holidays.  We often see reflections of coming back to the “idealized home” on Hallmark and Lifetime movies with drama about family arguments or misconceptions about a past perceived experience.  In the movies, family members often return home and the focus is to resolve a past issue.  In real life coming home means much more and this week has made me reflect deeply on this subject. 

Last week an old friend from middle and high school, Robert Bickerman Bicknell passed away.  He spent the past 20 plus years living in Vietnam although he grew up in Newton. I reconnected with him over the past 3 years via facebook and had engaged regularly in conversation.  He was a true friend to all who knew him and would fight for his friends and beliefs.  In Vietnam he married and had one daughter who is now a teenager.  Although he lived there, he recognized roots of Newton Massachusetts as home and his final wish was to be buried back here.  We just learned that the Chabad in Vietnam made it possible for my friend to be brought back to the States and to be laid to rest this morning, next to his parents in Sharon Memorial Park.  It is with great gratitude that I thank the Chabad of Vietnam and Sharon for facilitating and expediting Bobby’s final wishes.  

This experience has made me really think about the importance of roots and family.  We live in a global economy and our families are scattered all over the place.  I for one, have kids living out of state and far away and am the last of my immediate family to remain in Massachusetts.  My parents had also moved to Florida to spend their latter retirement years. They wished to be buried here in Massachusetts when they passed away four and six years ago, respectively and as such are nearby in West Roxbury for their final resting place.  There is something deep within us to have this longing of going home.

My friend Bobby is being reunited with his family after passing as I write.  I am not sure of the last time he saw his family and friends since moving out of the country.  There are limited traces of his past years and in fact during the funeral ceremony it was difficult to determine his Hebrew name for burial.  Bobby taught me the value of home by his commitment of returning to Massachusetts for a proper Jewish burial today.  He also shared the importance of legacy and not being forgotten. Before he passed away his shared his fears of being forgotten in an article featured in Vietnam Golf Magazine.  During the past three years he reflected on his values and importance of his homeland. He lived to preserve these values and that is part of his legacy.   (Not to be morbid but as part of your estate planning be sure to leave your last wishes on record and have key contact information.)

I thank him and am thankful that he will now rest in peace. 

When one builds a house,  a builder has to install a solid foundation.  Likewise, when a child is raised, famiy and friends, help build the foundation of our character.  The values and lessons shared by loved ones teach us to become moral human beings.  Count your blessings this week and enjoy the time you can with your family members and thank them for the time they shared with you as you grew up.   Don't let the drama you see in the Hallmark movies become your reality. These are the people who helped build the foundation of who you are.  Do what you can to make the world a better place and appreciate the roots and values that helped build the foundation of your life. Be sure to share your wishes and leave a footprint of your thoughts and beliefs. This is the legacy you will leave behind.  For all of my family and friends I hope you will find peace and happiness as you head home for the holidays this season.  

Wendy is a realtor with Coldwell Banker Needham.  She enjoys writing, reading, walking her dog and spending time with her family and friends.  

How to Best Prepare for End of Life Choices Part 2

In my prior blog of February 9 about best preparing for End of Life  choices, I wrote about fulfilling the last days of one's life.  I am now supplementing this with Part 2.  Once we are gone how do we wish to be remembered?  Where do we want our final resting place to be?  It has always been tradition to have a funeral and a burial along one's religion's customs but as trends change so does this.

My ancestors, and similarly as did many cultures, had burials in the local cemetery where they lived or on the property they owned.  Many immigrant communities who came to the US  acquired cemeteries with sections for their families.  Nowadays we are a much more mobile society.  My parents and grandparents are buried together in the Baker Street cemetery in West Roxbury, Massachusetts. This was where many other relatives who belonged to the same synagogues or local community would be interred.  

As I have traveled to other countries I have found it fascinating to visit old Jewish cemeteries   Often once thriving communities left behind memorials with remnants of their society only to be later abandoned as demographics change. I now see this happening where I grew up.  Many of the cemeteries where my parents generation buried their predecessors are now abandoned or less frequented by new departures as the communities migrate away.

When I pass chances are I may retire in another state or that my descendants (Three out of three of my offspring live out of state now) will settle far away.  Would it make sense for me to be buried near my parents or somewhere where my kids may only reside for a temporary portion of their lives?  

                

Saturday's  WSJ discussed the idea of free form funerals.  Perhaps the less traditional options may make more sense.  One option may be to be buried at sea.  Our society is much more mobile and in-flux these days.  Deep roots that expanded multi-generations are becoming a pase`.  This trend is illustrated in a recent novel I just finished by John Grisham, The Reckoning, where a family land right becomes disputed and (spoiler alert) eventually disseminated.  

A living will may be the best framework to formalize where and how you want to end your legacy.   Of course it is always recommended to consult a legal professional before signing any legal document.   As a realtor I can provide some guidance with real property decisions but leave the ultimate resting place choice to my clients and their families.  

Wendy is a realtor with Coldwell Banker Needham.  She has her SRES and often shares insight into the changing dynamics of the marketplace and needs of the more senior and baby boomer population.  She enjoys helping clients buy and sell property with as minimal emotional transitioning as possible.  For more information check her website at www.wendybcb.com.

The Things We Keep ( and these aren't My Dead Dad's Porno Tapes")

My blog has frequently shared ideas on how to downsize and declutter.  It specifically has focused on recommendations on how to get rid of the inherited possessions left behind and no longer wanted by family members.  After seeing the trailer for My Dead Dad's Porno Tapes I thought I would discuss ways to preserve the legacy (or secret legacy) your loved ones may have left behind.

Although the typical mindset is to just get rid of everything when an elder passes, perhaps this is an opportune time to treasure hunt for the few gems amongst the junk.  Soon after both my parents passed away (over the past 5 years) in Florida, my brother and I had to make many decisions.  It was nearly impossible to hold onto everything they had collected over their combined 160 years.   After months of cleaning out their condo, there were several relics that I could not bring myself to sell.   (see my prior blog about Death Cleaning.)  My Dad has a huge antiquities collection.  I sorted through and kept the best of each item which I now display in my home.  Although I am quite proud of this collection, its the little things that I kept and brought up North that help me preserve their memories.  One such item is a wooden rolling pin.  I believe I took my grandmother's years ago when she passed and now I have my mom's too.  Looking at these bring back memories of the love of my grandmother's baking and the scent of her apple pie. (the best ever)

For the heirs of a vast collection perhaps you too want to find a way to display your inheritance in your home.  There are options of taking items passed on and storing them away in the basement only to be passed on again or there is the option of using this to add to your home decor.  In yesterday's WSJ there was a great article with tips on how to do this without looking like a hoarder  Decor guru .

When I first lost my parents I was quite distraught.  I found writing a log of special memories was a great way to remember them both.  To this day everytime I see something that reminds me of them I like to reflect on how they would react and write it down.  I now periodically look back on this word document I have saved and still add to occassionly.  There are now companies that can help you scrapbook or do a video to commemorate a family legacy in a more formal manor but I chose a simple microsoft word doc.

My parents had a love for the arts.  I inherited their season tickets to the NSMT when they relocated to Florida and my family kept it going for several years, always thinking of them.  Whenever I see a movie or play I still ask myself how they would have liked it.  Their memories have carried onto many of my personal interests as well as areas I have become engaged both civically and socially.

For the material things that we end up inheriting one must ask which items carry the most significance.  I would recommend figuring out the items worth holding onto and perhaps donating the rest to a place that will also honor their memory.  For example, my Dad had over 4 boxes of Holocaust books which I donated to the St. Petersberg Florida Holocaust Museum.

Of course the greatest way to preserve someone's memory is to share stories and the history of a loved one with the future generations of your family.  Keeping a few small tokens you can talk about may be a good start.  During family gatherings you may be able to share a story about why these items have been in the family.   Family photos and old movies are also a way to visually share a history.  I just coincidentally heard an advertisement for LegacyBox.com.  This is a company that lets your digitalize old photos, film, videos, slides etc into a watchable archived format.

It may be adventurous to go through an old black book (most of our parents kept their own version with written down phone numbers of their social contacts).  I went through my moms and reached out to older relatives to let them know she passed and have since tried to meet and keep in touch.  .  I have been trying to piece together family trees and meet relatives on both sides who I may not normally interact with.   It has been rewarding for me to get to better know some of my second and third cousins,  a few I have met since my parents both passed.

There is a great blog called Family Search that you can look at for a starting point on how to start learning more about your family legacy.  The world is a small place and many of us have extended family we have never met.   Before you begin to clean or declutter, keep in mind the items that may hold clues to your own history and could never be replaced.  Set these aside as perhaps they will be useful tools in your family search efforts.  These may become a part of the legacy you may be able to share with future generations.  Maybe one day when your decendants  find old family movies instead of their "Dead Dad's Porno Tapes" they can then share their heritage with their children.  Perhaps this is the greatest way to memorialize the legacy of one's family.

Wendy is a realtor with Coldwell Banker Needham.  She specializes in working with babyboomers and their loved ones to provide advice and guidance as they prepare for their next transitions.  For more tips she can be visited at WendyBCB or on facebook @wendybcb.

To save or to sell- the inherent risks of collecting

We all know collectors.  My Dad was a compulsive one, a collector of collectibles ranging from biblical antiquities, books, old newspapers,  and American ephemera to ball point pens and elastics.  The typical collector enjoys the fun of the chase and never has enough.  They often have a hard time departing with their amassed legacy.  The thrill is in the hunt and lasts only a few days until new prey comes along.  I grew up in such an environment and will reflect upon experiences learned along the way.  About a year ago my brother and I were in the midst of selling our deceased parents estate which was an accumulation of 140 years of combined collections.  The collection was located in their condo on the west coast of Florida.  We both live up north.

With the impending hurricanes a few weeks ago I have been thinking more and more about the philosophy of collecting in general.  Our Dad would have been one of the ones who wanted to stay behind when told to evacuate during Hurricane Harvey or Irma.  He would have risked his life to preserve his collection.  To much of the millenial generation we live in disposable and replacement mode and can easily buy new things.  For my Dads generation people held onto their acquisitions with pride.   Luckily he did not have to make this decision, however I do empathize with the many who have had their homes and collected personal history's devastated this past September.

Back to my discussion,  there does comes a point when the collector can no longer collect and more often than not, their children don't have space or interest to sustain a said collection.   Often its location is no longer manageable.  Perhaps no one can explain this situation better than Ellen Stern in a New York Times article last week , where she highlighted the history of her husbands art collection.   After the Chase, the Long Goodbye.  The pieces you collect become a vested part of yourself and you begin to nurture them like children.  Ms. Stern took the longer and more difficult path to disperse of this collection after  her husband's recent death.  She is working with Sotheby's to begin the process of auctioning off key pieces beginning early November.  She is dedicated and able to spend the necessary time to pursue the best options to find new homes for several cherished items. 

We used a similiar auction house to deal with a specific subsection of our parents collection as we also wanted the assurance that each item would find a new loving home.  As a full disclaimer this was a luxury in that we were able to hold onto our parents property for an extended length of time to research optimal estate vendors.   Retrospectively this actual cost may have outweighed the benefit particularly if the hurricane were to hit last year.   This would have been a risk not worth taking as much may be been destroyed with flooding.

Many people in the position of needing to downsize or handle the sale of a deceased loved one's estate don't have time or money on their hands.  It is often common to have to empty the contents of ones property within a short time frame to settle the estate.  When time becomes an issue there are estate sale companies that can come in and handle the process from full house to broom swept floors for a price.  If you live out of state and have to deal with a family estate this may end up being your best option after weighing in  travel or shipping costs to physically deal with everything at a more convenient location.

Last week, coincidentally after reading the NYT article we had a presentation in my real estate office by a representative from one of the leading online estate sale companies.  This company will come in and assist home sellers with the almost complete liquidation of the internal remove-able contents of their property.  They will assess a monetary value to these items but typically take most items to a midwest offsite facility where they will sort through, price, photograph and set up an online auction for 5 days. All bids will start at $1 but collect close to market value as the auction time closes.  Generally they sell most items and will donate the balance.  Other companies will come in and do an onsite sale.   With this type of sale often the seller can put a reserve on items they don't want to sell below a certain selling point.

Depending on the timeliness and desired outcome of the sale, different options work for the specific situation.  The reality is that we can't take everything with us and in order to get the optimal amount for a collection one should really plan its demise while they are healthy and able.  My Dad knew the dealers he bought from and would have been able to obtain the most leverage if he tried to resell things instead of leaving all to us.  I am positive we sold much below appropriate value just because we had to get rid of things.  Leaving a collection to the hands of the next generation has inherent risks of not being as valuable to the new owner or not being appreciated for the same intrinsic value as the original acquirer. 

Having gone through the process of downsizing twice with my parents and in-laws I have learned a bit along the way.  I do admit that I put some reserves on a few of our parents items that now sit in boxes in my basement.  My husband too has boxes of stuff from his parents home. Much of what we have most likely takes up space and will take time to sell.  This makes it more difficult for us the think about downsizing which I often idealize toward as an empty nester.   A few days ago I drove by my parents house.  It was in process of being torn down.  It was quite sad to see but reminded me that there is no longer the childhood home for me to visit.  It is now the memories in my head that will continue to preserve the legacy of my our parents generation.

Wendy is a realtor with Coldwell Banker Needham.  Having earned her SRES she enjoys the opportunity of helping those who may need an extra hand in helping their loved ones deal with the stages of downsizing or transitioning from their primary home to the next phase.