We need to have some Crucial Conversations

Two years ago I read a book called Crucial Conversations. The book was published almost 10 years ago and has had a few updates and supplemental editions. Since reading it I have referenced it as a Bible to help with my interpersonal communication skills. The thesis of this book is that we all need to communicate better in our approach to business and personal confrontations particularly when the stakes may be high for both sides. Most of us build a wall of defense around us because we are insecure and afraid. We become reactive to comments or actions that we think may hurt us. We build a protective shield around us and often turn to anger or disengagement when we presume the other party challenges our beliefs. (Of note, I just bought the updated summary edition above today.)

Trump has figured out how to market to these fears. About 50% of Americans are increasingly becoming afraid of their shadows and buy into xenophobia of anyone perceived as not being like them. Instead of embracing different perspectives Trump fires or removes any opposition. There is no respect for differing perspectives and instead dehumanizing tweets make many afraid to speak up to his behavior. Trump pampers these fears and persuades his followers to believe he alone is the savior. To those who are insecure it is easier to follow along and remain complicit. The MAGA group identity they share provides a false sense of security.

The book Crucial Conversations teaches us how to break this wall. By learning how to understand the trigger points that cause fear we can learn how to engage the other party in meaningful conversations that will lead to conflict resolution or the issue at hand. Instead of continuing the pattern of stoking fear it is better to identify these trigger points and allow the other party to openly share their concerns. This is easy to do simply by asking a few opening questions that express an empathetic tone. Then one can address these concerns by listening and then reframing them to find a way to resolve and move forward.

I recently took a real estate course called "Owning Objections" to improve my own negotiation skills. Many of the concepts I learned in this class were similar. We need to develop the ability to listen to the other party, reframe and repeat what they are saying to understand their concerns and then figure out a method to work together to develop a solution. This requires mutual respect by each party. I would never be able to close a deal with a buyer or seller client if they weren't able to share their concerns about a property. We then develop a deal to allow both sides to feel happy with the outcome. This requires a level of maturity for the parties involved to be able to work together.

I fear for our country as many Americans have lost or have never had these skills. Many do not care to and instead thrive on angering the other side. I personally have sadly seen this on Facebook with persons I know saying they love to troll and anger the "liberals." The idea behind a Democracy is to be able to work together to resolve our issues. The ideology of trumpism is to divide by red and blue and focus on winning by a loyal base only. We can't continue with this diviseness if we truly are "The United States of America".  

I am still hopeful for a Biden win in the final count however he needs to have a team that is willing to work with him. This requires us to work together as a country. Last night Biden said we need to keep the faith. Let's all "Keep the faith" and try harder to have the needed crucial conversations in our lives.

addedumhttp://www.executiverecom/infographics/Crucial_Conversations_2334C.pdf

Wendy is a Realtor with Coldwell Banker Needham.

She enjoys coffee, walking her dog, theater/arts, reading, writing, travel and meeting new people.  She is happiest when she can bring her clients together with a deal that makes both sides happy and always welcomes referrals.  Check out her website at www.wendybcb.com or her fb page @wendybcb as she posts up to date content to meet the ever changing marketplace.  

What is the real art of making a deal?

We have had a government shutdown for close to 20 days already.  Depending on whose perspective you are are aligned with there is blame on the other side.  The real question though is what is this accomplishing?  What are the real costs and consequences as by products of this shutdown?  Does stubbornness make a solution that will truly benefit either party?  

I do not profess to be able to answer these questions in a resolute way.  From my perspective the shutdown blame is due to the stubbornness and unwilliingness to truly negotiate by the perpetrator who originally took responsibility for the shutdown.  Although I cannot answer how to resolve this with the particular parties involved I can suggest ways to negotiate without hitting a wall for those who are a bit more tactful.  

I recently finished reading a book called Crucial Conversations and learned many valuable skills that are important in every day life, business and community.  A key take away is why people need to negotiate and disagree in the first place.  Most of us have a set of perceptions of our own comfort zone.  When we fear that this is being infringed upon we put a protective shield around ourselves.  We become charged up in self defense which creates more tension.  We may argue or say the wrong things.  This is not productive.  

If we want to be able to have a conversation with others we need to break down this cycle.  We become stubborn if someone disagrees with our perspective because we don't want to feel embarrassed.  We may argue because we want to protect our individual beliefs. We need to be able to sit back and take a breath. I just came across a great meditation exercise called how to be mindful in an argument. Click here.

Xenophobia is created by propaganda and lies to stoke fear. This has become a method of message delivery to divide rather than unite our country since the most recent inauguration.  If people are taught to believe that people unlike them are a threat to their safety and jobs they will act reactively.   The crisis at the wall is being used as a propaganda tool to stoke these fears.  One side will only settle at a price that will steeply hurt many others to save face.  There is no conversation or plan to settle this.  

A few days ago I was in line at Starbucks with a man wearing a MAGA hat.  Normally we would be on total opposite sides of the spectrum.  I decided to ask him if he was truly happy with the government shutdown and how our president was handling things.  (please note I do not capitalize this particular president).  He shared why he still believed in this president and I responsively shared my concerns.  I mentioned the book Crucial Conversations and told him I felt much of this countries divisiveness would be solved if people actually talked to each other.  He and I chatted a bit more and in the end he asked for the name of the book and said he would like to read it.  I don't know if I changed his perceptions but perhaps I opened him up to more conversation.  This is what we all need.  

The real art of the deal is being able to come to the table and talk through critical issues until there are some steps towards resolution.  This can then be followed up with a more detailed action plan.  It is time to take a time out from the vicious rhetoric and figure out how to run this country and end this government shutdown in a way that is safe and will benefit all citizens.    For those not involved in politics the skills I learned from this book can be used in everyday life to better communicate and resolve smaller issues before they become bigger.  

Wendy is a realtor with Coldwell Banker Needham.  She enjoys thinking outside the box and working to help make the world a better place.  In her free time she does yoga, walks her dog and is often found reading at a local coffee shop.  If you see her at Starbucks be sure to say hello.  

'Tis the Season...To Be Stressed Out? (Some easy tips and recommended reading)

What causes holiday stress? This should be the happiest time of year right?  We have friends and family coming to call, lots of parties,  the exchanging of thanks through gifts and just general jocularity? Maybe though these are the very things that cause stress, says Sandy Bailey, family and human development specialist at Montana State University Extension Service.

"The hustle and bustle of getting ready for family and friends can cause us to feel rushed and overwhelmed," she says. Unrealistic expectations, extra chores, money woes and changes in schedules can create holiday anxiety.

Bailey defines stress as “the pressure from the outside that makes us tense on the inside. It is the response to real or perceived demands placed on us, even in so-called positive situations like the holidays.” 

I take this to mean that to reduce stress I need to feel like I am in control of the stimuli around me.  This enables me to better focus on the things I need to do. I would like to share a few tips I follow when I need to get my mind back in the right place.  

1-take a breather whether it be a coffee break ( I often enjoy a grande darkroast coffee at Starbucks for a quick get away where I can sit back and regroup)

2-keep up your exercise routine.  Even if it is a quick run or yoga/breathing exercise I block this time on my calendar.

3-think about a favorite food you like, then find the recipe and plan a meal around it.

4-while you are shopping for others take care of yourself too.  If I see something I really like (if on sale)  I will always take advantage when I can.  

  

5- go to a movie, this is a cheap way to take a little staycation and transport your mind for a few hours of freedom.  Yesterday I saw Mary Poppins Returns and it brought me back to my happy childhood memories. 

If none of these help, I also recommend two great books I just finished.  First The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson gave me insight into not worrying about how everyone perceives me.   Whatever you say or think is important and you deserve to have the respect of anyone who would challenge and make you uncomfortable.  Second is Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson and Joseph Grenny.  This book taught me that most areas of stress are caused by fear of the unknown reaction.  If you can understand the fears in both you and your guests, you may better approach the start of conversations that otherwise may cause confrontation.  I found both of these books have given me new tools to deal with my outside fear triggers.  

Be sure to get plenty of rest and eat well. Too much junk food causes sugar highs and can cause an imbalance.  Keep your plans flexible.  Remember real life is constantly moving and nothing has to be set in concrete.    

Wendy is a realtor with Coldwell Banker Needham. She enjoys thinking outside the box and the ability to incorporate each of the above suggestions in to her daily life. She hopes you will find them useful as tools as you move towards 2019.