We need to have some Crucial Conversations

Two years ago I read a book called Crucial Conversations. The book was published almost 10 years ago and has had a few updates and supplemental editions. Since reading it I have referenced it as a Bible to help with my interpersonal communication skills. The thesis of this book is that we all need to communicate better in our approach to business and personal confrontations particularly when the stakes may be high for both sides. Most of us build a wall of defense around us because we are insecure and afraid. We become reactive to comments or actions that we think may hurt us. We build a protective shield around us and often turn to anger or disengagement when we presume the other party challenges our beliefs. (Of note, I just bought the updated summary edition above today.)

Trump has figured out how to market to these fears. About 50% of Americans are increasingly becoming afraid of their shadows and buy into xenophobia of anyone perceived as not being like them. Instead of embracing different perspectives Trump fires or removes any opposition. There is no respect for differing perspectives and instead dehumanizing tweets make many afraid to speak up to his behavior. Trump pampers these fears and persuades his followers to believe he alone is the savior. To those who are insecure it is easier to follow along and remain complicit. The MAGA group identity they share provides a false sense of security.

The book Crucial Conversations teaches us how to break this wall. By learning how to understand the trigger points that cause fear we can learn how to engage the other party in meaningful conversations that will lead to conflict resolution or the issue at hand. Instead of continuing the pattern of stoking fear it is better to identify these trigger points and allow the other party to openly share their concerns. This is easy to do simply by asking a few opening questions that express an empathetic tone. Then one can address these concerns by listening and then reframing them to find a way to resolve and move forward.

I recently took a real estate course called "Owning Objections" to improve my own negotiation skills. Many of the concepts I learned in this class were similar. We need to develop the ability to listen to the other party, reframe and repeat what they are saying to understand their concerns and then figure out a method to work together to develop a solution. This requires mutual respect by each party. I would never be able to close a deal with a buyer or seller client if they weren't able to share their concerns about a property. We then develop a deal to allow both sides to feel happy with the outcome. This requires a level of maturity for the parties involved to be able to work together.

I fear for our country as many Americans have lost or have never had these skills. Many do not care to and instead thrive on angering the other side. I personally have sadly seen this on Facebook with persons I know saying they love to troll and anger the "liberals." The idea behind a Democracy is to be able to work together to resolve our issues. The ideology of trumpism is to divide by red and blue and focus on winning by a loyal base only. We can't continue with this diviseness if we truly are "The United States of America".  

I am still hopeful for a Biden win in the final count however he needs to have a team that is willing to work with him. This requires us to work together as a country. Last night Biden said we need to keep the faith. Let's all "Keep the faith" and try harder to have the needed crucial conversations in our lives.

addedumhttp://www.executiverecom/infographics/Crucial_Conversations_2334C.pdf

Wendy is a Realtor with Coldwell Banker Needham.

She enjoys coffee, walking her dog, theater/arts, reading, writing, travel and meeting new people.  She is happiest when she can bring her clients together with a deal that makes both sides happy and always welcomes referrals.  Check out her website at www.wendybcb.com or her fb page @wendybcb as she posts up to date content to meet the ever changing marketplace.  

A tribute to my parents, voting and a hope for the future

  

Last week I went to visit my parents grave and thought about how they would both roll over if they were witness to our country today.  Although Carol King wrote the song "I Feel The Earth Move" to reconcile her failing marriage,  the song came to mind during this time.  It seems that much of the societal norms we grew up with are crumbling around us.   Since our Dad passed 5 years ago this week and Mom a little over three years ago, my brother and I have been trying to reconcile their legacies.   

As my brother shared in his recent blog, our Dad built a museum quality collection to preserve ancient and more recent US history.  His mo was to visually share the threads of history and educate the next generations on the values of a Judeo-Christian culture and its foundation for a democratic society.  Metaphorically this can be represented by another well known Carol King song, Tapestry.  

I recently saw the movie "Life Itself" and am an avid fan of "This Is Us" both created by Dan Fogelman.   Each show features multigenerational family stories that go back and forth to allow watchers an understanding of what lies beneath the main characters.    As implied by these productions,  we all have certain milestones and events that help formulate our belief systems.  These are the building blocks that lay the foundations of who we are.  

As I come to terms with the passing of my parents, it has become increasingly important for me to reflect on life's little lessons instilled in my upbringing.  Pillars to these lessons were respect, honesty and the equal rights of free speech and voting.  I continue to admire the values embedded in me and will do all I can to to keep their beliefs alive.  Perhaps as I see the world crumbling under my feet,  I am optimistic that if enough of us vote and become more engaged with our communities we can begin to weave new tapestries.  

Wendy is a realtor with Coldwell Banker Needham.  She works with buyers and sellers on the lower Cape as well.  For more information please visit her website at www.wendybcb.com.